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God is Not Unfair

      I'm sad. I'm broken. I'm hurting. I'm feeling pain, anger, frustration, guilt, and completely out of control. Im exhausted, overwhelmed, out of sorts, and in a state of shock. Broken hearted, disgusted and flat out mad. I've cried and cried and when I didn't think there were any more tears, I cried some more. 
     After 2 years of wondering if I'd ever get pregnant again, we found out we were going to have a baby. We were busting at the seams, trying not to let the cat out of the bag until we could go see our families. I'd organized and lined up crib options, pulled out all my maternity clothes, and tried my best to resist the urge to bring all the baby gear up from the basement. I looked at books to read to my son in preparation for a sibling, made my prenatal appointment, and took my first photo to compare as my belly would grow. 
     A few days later, we learned that we had lost this one. 
   I laid down that night not knowing how I was going to face the days to come but I woke up with overwhelming peace and strength. I feel God wrapping His arms around me, even when I'm angry, disappointed, and hurting. I don't understand why God allowed this to happen to us, it is hurtful and seems unfair in every possible way, but I don't have to understand. All I need to do is trust Him. I prayed and pleaded and even took a small fit, asking God why He did this to me. I uttered the words "it's not fair" and "why do we have to suffer". God nudged me to pull out my Bible and read my daily devotion.
 This is what I read, 
"God is not unfair. He will not forget the work you did or the love you showed for Him in the help you gave and are still giving to other Christians. Our great desire is that each of you keep up your eagerness to the end, so that the things you hope for will come true. We do not want you to become lazy, but to be like those who believe and are patient, and so receive what God has promised." Hebrews 6:10-12 GNT 

Wow

   Yes, I struggle with the fear that I will not have the growing family I desire, I'm afraid that this may happen again or that I may never conceive again. Feelings of guilt slip in from time to time, that maybe I should not have hoped so much for a daughter, rather than a son or that my prayers were not specific enough or maybe they were too specific. 
    I'm still hurting and I'm still broken but God is bigger than anything we are going through. He is stronger than our struggle, mightier than our pain, and He is in control. I don't have to understand and I don't need answers because God is my answer. My world is in pieces today but I'm trusting that God has a beautiful plan for them. 

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says The Lord. 
Isaiah 66:9

                 (Roses in memory of the unborn Baby Wall) 

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